Our three-year-old William is a lovely little boy who knows how to behave very well and use his manners. He even recognises sadness and shows concern and empathy.
He does, however, most days also drive us to craziness at some point with defiance, insolence, and by simply ignoring us. Often for hours, more predictably in the latter half of the day, but it's not a hard and fast pattern.
There are many examples I could use, but I'll use this to illustrate:
We say, "William, we need to leave soon, so you will need to stop what you are doing and put your clothes on because it is time to go to Stacey’s [his family day care carer three days a week]. OK?"
[sometimes we get a "OK" reply].
We then give a five minute warning – "William, in five minutes you need to stop what you are doing and get dressed for Stacey's."
Eventually we say, "It's time to go, you need to get dressed now."
He will often say, "I just need to ... [fill in the blank]" , or "OK, but come and look at this."
The conclusion is normally that we run out of time and end up having to step in to physically remove him from what he is doing, and put him in the car. It ends up emotionally charged now that we are all now late etc etc.
It is the same for other such things like mealtime, or “Please put on your shoes so we can leave”, or “Please stand still so we can dry you”, or “Please stop running away”, or “Please stop touching everything in this shop”, or “Please stay with us in the shop so you don't get lost”, etc ...
Any practical help on what to say would be helpful.
Dr Justin responds:
The energy and willfulness of a three year-old can be taxing. As parents, we often find ourselves getting frustrated that they will not listen [!] and guilty that we respond to them in ways that feel punitive, controlling, or physical.
Unfortunately, the behaviour you are describing is fairly typical behaviour for a child this age, particularly in the latter end of the day.
To put ourselves in his shoes, he is getting tired by mid-afternoon. He is probably a bit hungry. And when he is feeling tired and hungry, he is likely to become at least a little irritable when he does not get his own way. [Sometimes adults can behave the same way.] Regardless of the time of day, however, it is always helpful when our children will listen to us.
Here is a short list of things that might be helpful for you ...
Remember his developmental milestones
Psychologists will often speak about something called “theory of mind” when dealing with children under about age five. Why? Young children don’t have it, and it is what helps them to recognise that other people might have an agenda that is different to theirs'.
As far as most two, three, and four-year-old children are concerned, when they want something everyone else wants them to have it. They become agitated and irritable when we tell them that they cannot have what they want, and they struggle to come to terms with the fact we are asking them to do something other than what they want.
Additionally, children are often as old as seven or eight years old before they can regulate their emotions and behaviour competently. [Again, I know many adults who still struggle with this.] Therefore, when they cannot follow their own agenda, they may be prone to emotional and behavioural outbursts that can be difficult to contain. This is normal, but obviously challenging for parents. Therefore, the next few tips should be useful.
Stay calm
The simple truth is that sometimes we need to intervene and ‘make’ things happen. We should always remain calm. Our children need us to be calmer than they are at all times. Emotions are contagious, and since our children already struggle to regulate their emotions, they do not need to have us building up their emotions any more than they are already.
Make eye contact
When you speak to your child with an instruction, be right there. Look him in the eyes. When you do this, you will know you have been heard.
Speak softly
If you are in a position to make eye contact, you are also in a position to speak softly. Many parents seem to believe that their children are deaf. They raise their voice believing that they are more likely to be heard. When people yell, however, the person they are yelling at tends to become emotional, defensive, and listen less rather than more. Speaking softly increases your child’s need to pay attention.
Ask ... Don’t tell or demand
You might say, “William, will you please get things ready so we can go now?” Then you could add a rationale: “It’s important that we leave in the next few minutes so we can have fun with Stacey!”
There are a couple of important points here. First, we are asking a question. Second, you are providing a rationale that is focused on the positive rather than the negative. Too often we say, “If we don’t leave now we will be late!” This does not mean much to a child. Plus, it sounds threatening. But the promise of something positive to look forward to is far more motivating.
Remember, this is about more than just this moment. This is about building our relationship with our child and that requires trust. Our focus with our three-year-old is on keeping the relationship safe, but setting clear expectations and limits.
If your child does not respond to you, repeat the steps I have outlined while speaking softer each time, and wait until you get the appropriate response. You will find that when you sit quietly and calmly in front of William, hold his little hand, look into his eyes and softly ask him to get moving [and give him a clear, positive rationale], he will comply.
Invite reflection
Parents talk too much. Sometimes you may still have difficulties. Another useful strategy that can help internalise good behaviour and responsiveness is to ask questions and invite your son to reflect on why things need to be the way you ask for them to be. For example, you might say, “What do we need to do next? Why?” Or “Can you tell me why it is important to hold my hand in the shops?” Or “Why are seatbelts important?”
Consider the timing
Is your child doing something he or she feels is important? Is your child hungry, angry, tired, or stressed? Does what you are asking need to be done right now? Does your child have an audience that makes giving and receiving instruction ineffective?
Consider your child’s capability
Can your child competently complete what you are asking? Would your child benefit from your help?
Choices
Can you give your child a choice in what they’ll do and when they’ll do it?
You are giving your little William transition warnings and working with him in mostly positive ways. From time to time intervention is necessary. You may need to physically carry him to get the movement you require. With these hints and tips, hopefully things will become a little smoother and easier, and softer and kinder.
Do you have a child that just won't listen? How do you handle it?
More on Kidspot
Trouble paying attention is often first identified by a teacher who notices that a student seems more easily distracted than most other kids his age.
Maybe the child takes an unusually long time to finish schoolwork in class. Maybe when the teacher calls on him, he doesn’t seem to have been following the lesson. Maybe he seems to tune out when instructions are given, or forget what he’s supposed to be doing. Maybe homework assignments often go missing.
While all children, especially those who are very young, tend to have shorter attention spans and be more distractible than adults, some have much more trouble focusing and staying on task than others.
Since difficulty paying attention is widely associated with ADHD, that tends to be the first thing teachers, parents, and clinicians suspect. But there are a number of other possibilities that can be contributing to attention problems. To avoid misdiagnosis, it’s important that these other possibilities, which are not always obvious, not be overlooked.
Here is a checklist of some of the other issues that may make a child struggle to pay attention in school:
A child who seems not to be focusing in school could have chronic worries that teachers [and even parents] are not aware of. There are many different kinds of anxiety, but what they have in common, says neurologist and former teacher Ken Schuster, PsyD, is that anxiety “tends to lock up the brain,” making school hard for anxious kids.
A child with separation anxiety might be so preoccupied about something bad happening to her parents while she is apart from them that she is unable to concentrate on schoolwork.
Some kids are extremely worried about making a mistake or embarrassing themselves. When the teacher is calling on them, they may try to disappear, Dr. Shuster notes. “They might look down, they might start writing something even though they’re not really writing something. They’re trying to break the connection with the teacher in order to avoid what’s making them feel anxious.”
Sometimes when a child takes an unusually long time to finish her work in class, it’s not because she’s daydreaming but because she’s, struggling with perfectionism that requires her to do things exactly the right way. Or if she doesn’t turn in her homework, it could be not because she didn’t do it, but because she is worried that it isn’t good enough.
Kids with OCD, which often starts in the grade-school years, have an added source of distraction: They not only have obsessive thoughts, but feel they must perform rituals, or compulsions, to prevent bad things from happening. A child with OCD might be compulsively lining things up on his desk, or tapping, or counting in his head. Or he might be focused on needing to go to the lavatory to wash his hands.
“A kid may be sitting in class having an obsession about needing to fix something, to avoid something terrible happening. Then the teacher calls on him,” says Jerry Bubrick, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute who specializes in anxiety and OCD. “When he doesn’t know the answer to the question, it looks like he wasn’t paying attention, but it’s really because he was obsessing.”
Since children with OCD are often ashamed of their symptoms, they may go to great lengths to hide their compulsions while they’re in school. To a teacher who’s not aware of the OCD, distraction might look like ADHD, but it isn’t.
Children can also appear to be suffering from inattention when they have been impacted by a trauma. Kids who’ve witnessed violence or other disturbing experiences may demonstrate difficulty paying attention and a persistent sense of insecurity called hypervigilance.
Kids whose home lives involve acute stress may develop these symptoms, or even post-traumatic stress disorder.
“Many of the symptoms of PTSD look like ADHD,” explains Jamie Howard, PhD, a clinician at the Child Mind Institute who specializes in trauma. “Symptoms common in PTSD, such as difficulty concentrating, exaggerated startle response, and hypervigilance, can make it seem like a child is jumpy and spacy.”
When a child seems to be looking everywhere but at the pages of the book she is supposed to be reading, another possible cause is that she has a learning disorder.
Children with undiagnosed dyslexia might fidget with frustration or feel ashamed that they can’t seem to do what the other kids can do, and be intent on covering that fact up.
If a child struggling with math, he might welcome distractions that allow him to think about something else, or avoid completing the assignment.
Auditory processing problems could cause a child to miss some of what the teacher is saying, even if she’s listening, and that could look as if she’s not paying attention.
Some kids are able to compensate for their learning disabilities by working extra hard, and they may be successful until they reach a grade where the work becomes too challenging.
“They’ve been able to hide their weakness until they get older and there’s just too much heavy lifting,” notes Nancy Rappaport, MD, a Harvard Medical School professor who specializes in mental health care in school setting. “They’re often diagnosed with ADHD or depression, unless someone catches the learning problem.”
Inattention that is outside the typical range is one of the three key symptoms of ADHD, along with impulsivity and hyperactivity. Some kids do demonstrate only inattentive symptoms. But a diagnosis of ADHD shouldn’t be made just on the basis of teacher reports or one quick visit to the pediatrician.
To make an accurate diagnosis, a clinician should collect information from several people who have observed your child, including you, other caregivers, and teachers. Parents and teachers should be asked to fill out a rating scale, to capture an accurate assessment of the frequency of symptoms. The behavior has to continue over an extended period, and be observed in more than one setting-both at home and at school, for instance. And clinicians should carefully rule out other possible reasons for his behavior.
It’s also important that a child’s ability to pay attention be compared to others of his own age, not everyone in his grade. A study published in 2012 found that boys who are the youngest in their class are 30% more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than the oldest boys in the class, and younger girls are 70% more likely to be diagnosed than the oldest girls. This suggests that that immaturity may also be mistaken for ADHD.