Have you ever caught yourself not listening? Perhaps you were distracted, bored, or simply not interested in the subject being discussed.The important thing is that you noticed you weren’t listening. But this isn’t the case for some people.
According to Changing Minds, there are four reasons for “bad listening” based on studies done in 1957, 1994, and 2000:
- Lack of respect for the speaker.
- Trapped in one’s own head by one’s own thoughts.
- Hearing only superficialities and missing the real meaning.
- General ignorance of social politeness.
Remarkably, half of these aspects of poor listening relate to the most important principles of good manners and etiquette:
- Respect for others as demonstrated by respectful action.
- Mindfulness demonstrated by polite and courteous actions in the company of others.
Though you can strive to do something about your own listening habits and hope to improve upon your own good manners, you cannot control what others think or do.You may have a feeling someone isn’t listening and attempt to make your conversation more entertaining or change the subject.But you’ll know someone isn’t listening when they:
- Interrupt you in the middle of a sentence.
- Look at you as you’re talking, but don’t acknowledge anything that you said.
- Change the subject without any transition.
- Look away from you, even as you’re talking.
- Talk over you as you are talking.
- Begin arguing with you based on things you didn’t say or take what you said out of context.
Encourage Someone to Listen
You can develop habits and strategies to handle yourself when others are demonstrating their bad listening habits.However, make sure your actions qualify as respectful and courteous for both you and the person you’re dealing with.
- Decide if this is a moment you don’t want to go by without telling the other person that you value them and your communication with them, but you notice that what they are doing doesn’t “look like” listening to you.
“John, you and I can talk to each other courteously, but it doesn’t seem to me that right now you are hearing what I’m saying.”
“Chris, I care about you, but right now I’m getting signals from you that indicate you aren’t hearing what I’m saying. Would you mind highlighting what you think I’m talking about and then give me time to respond?” - Decide which issues you need to be heard on, rather than watching for every annoying thing this person does. Which conversations must you not avoid?
- Discover what the other person enjoys talking about—something of personal interest to them.
- If you find your conversation is getting heated, let the person know that you prefer to talk later when both of you can be civil in tone. “When’s a good time for you?” During your “break” from the conversation forgive the other person for any offense you may have felt.
- Show that you are listening when the other person is speaking. Acknowledge, respond, and encourage the conversation along . . . “Tell me more about . . .”
A bad listener can make you lose confidence in your conversation skills. But only if you allow this to happen.It’s important to remember that you may not understand what the other person is dealing with in the moment, especially if he is dealing with confidence issues of his own. Empathy has a place here.
However, in the case of repeat offenders or someone who should be listening – a coworker, student, child, or the person who initiated your conversation – etiquette-fully acknowledging that you aren’t receiving the attention you deserve is appropriate.
After all, everyone wishes to be heard, acknowledged, and respected.
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Communication problems are often at the heart of the issues that lead people to enter my therapy office. Whether it's a parent struggling to "get through" to a teenager or a couple who feel like they're falling out of love, the inability to communicate effectively causes tension, anger, and serious relationship problems.
But of course it's not just families that suffer when communication problems arise. The key to keeping business relationships healthy and productive also involves healthy communication.
In my 14 years as a therapist, no one has ever entered my office claiming to be a bad listener. But the truth is, most people's listening skills could use a little sharpening.
Messages: The Communication Skills Book by Matthew McKay is often used as a therapy tool to aid clients in having more meaningful conversations. The book identifies a variety of communication skills and tools, including the importance of being a good listener.
Here's a summary of some of the bad habits McKay says will cause you to be a bad listener:
Mind reading involves making assumptions about what the other person thinks or feels. Instead of asking questions, you draw conclusions about why someone behaves in a certain manner.
Rather than listen to the other person's point of view, you might be tempted to start forming your argument. Rehearsing what you're going to say--and how you're going to say it--makes it impossible to hear the other person's message.
Filtering may involve zoning in on the points that reinforce your argument, or discounting anything you don't want to hear. Filtering out the rest of the message can lead to unnecessary disagreements and hurt feelings.
It's easy for your mind to drift--especially when you're involved in a lengthy conversation. Daydreaming, however, will cause you to miss out on the conversation.
Passing judgment--such as when you label someone a jerk--keeps you from listening with an open mind. You won't be able to understand how the other person sees the world when you've already drawn your own conclusions.
Jumping in to offer a solution prevents you from gathering more information. Showing that you understand what is being said is often more important than the advice you have to offer.
You can't listen when you're invested in debating. Interrupting, arguing, and disputing everything doesn't add value to the conversation.
Saying things like, "Yes, you're right," without putting in an effort to understand, comes across as uncaring. Minimizing the seriousness of the situation will likely cause the other person to feel dismissed, rather than appreciated.
Changing the subject--whether it's to bring to the focus back to the things you want to discuss or because you don't want to tackle a tough topic--won't do you any favors. While it sometimes works in the short-term, deflection creates bigger problems over time.
Just because you're silent doesn't mean you're listening. Listening shouldn't be a passive activity--it requires active participation.
So before you decide someone else is a bad communicator, consider the steps you could take to improve your listening skills. Reflect what you hear, ask questions, and strive to gain clarification and your conversations will become much more meaningful and productive.
There are so many incredibly simple things in life that we unnecessarily complicate; listening is one of them. More specifically, there are 5 ways that listeners unintentionally taint conversations that have the potential to be so connective.
If someone you're talking to does any of these listening no-no's, you know it's more than just annoying. Bad listening can make the person who's actually trying to connect feel more isolated than when they started talking, in addition to newly peeved.
Lets start with the #1 most obvious sign of a bad listener:
1. They judge.
The classic example of judging is any version of, What were you thinking? The runner up example is, Why wouldn't you just...
People don't always make the best choices in real time, and when someone is sharing a story about something that upset them, chances are they regret some or all of what happened. It's just plain hurtful when a listener details a litany of obvious, better choices that for whatever reason, weren't accessed at the time. Judging is like hitting an eject button on connection during a conversation.
2. They minimize.
C'mon, it couldn't have been that bad....You're making it sound worse than it was.... It was just a joke, take it easy.
It might not sound so bad to the listener, but they're a different person who is sensitive to different things. When our hot buttons are pressed and we're sharing that with someone, the last thing we want to hear about is how we shouldn't have hot buttons in the first place.
3. They discount feelings.
There are so many less fortunate people than us in the world, we should just be grateful for our health and all the opportunities around us.
While the above statement is usually true [i.e. there are aspects of the talker's life that are not being fully appreciated in the moment], it also carries a dangerous subtext: "You are not entitled to ever feel negative emotions." For the talker to get to a place where they're receptive to a broadened perspective, they have to first feel heard. Feeling heard is a relief. Not only does feeling heard connect, it calms a person down in a profound way. From that place of calm, the perspective widens naturally. The talker already knows they're fortunate in many ways, and they'll likely arrive at that perspective on their own -- once they feel heard.
4. They give advice.
Oh, well have you thought about doing X? .... You know what I do is Y, then you can just do Z!
This is probably the most annoying bad listening habit. Doling out unsolicited advice undermines the talker's sense of basic life competence. When a talker hears advice, this is what's typically and silently going on in their head: "No expletive I can do that, that's not the point." Trying to fix a situation comes from such a well-intended place, but the talker is not asking you to fix anything, the talker just wants to be heard. The talker wants to know, "This person gets how I feel." That's all a talker wants, it's seriously that simple. If an adult wants advice, trust that adult to ask for it.
5. They don't respond at all.
{cricket symphony}
Silence is incredibly powerful in moments, but someone talking about how they feel and constantly getting nothing but crickets and the sound of passing traffic outside in return? That can immediately deplete a talker of all hope in connecting to the listener. Warm and empathetic statements are always great ways to validate emotions, "I really can't imagine what that must have been like for you," [or] "That must have been so disappointing/upsetting/infuriating/whatever for you."
It can be immensely frustrating to try to connect with someone who means really well but isn't actually hearing what you're trying to communicate. Asking for what you need and sharing what you would no longer like [i.e. advice, silence, etc.] can genuinely change a dynamic, so give it a shot!