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There are many different ways that people relate to one another in relationships. Some people in intimate relationships maintain a lot of independence, while others may become co-dependent, meaning one person puts the other person's needs consistently ahead of his own. Having interdependence in a relationship is often recognized as the healthiest form of an intimate relationship. Dictionary.com defines interdependence as “the quality or condition of being interdependent or mutually reliant on each other.” As the definition implies, people in interdependent relationships tend to have equality and balance in how each individual's needs are met.
Striking a Balance
Striking interdependence in a relationship is not always easy. According to Barton Goldsmith, psychotherapist and writer for Psychology Today, being interdependent is a healthy way of relating because each person is involved in the other person's life without sacrificing values. If you feel that you are always putting your partner's needs ahead of your own or vice versa, the relationship may be out of balance or not truly interdependent. The first step toward overcoming this is communication. Couples can discuss how each person is feeling and figure out how to adjust in order for decisions to be made together that take the needs of both into account.
Compromise Versus Dependence
Relationships often involve compromise, and there is a distinction between comprising and dependency. An article published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2009 reported that there are costs to one’s autonomous goal pursuits in interdependent romantic relationships. There may be times when one person in a relationship makes a sacrifice. For example, if one partner gets a job that is a great opportunity but involves moving to another city, the other person may also move. In an interdependent relationship, the partner with a new job will likely reciprocate, making a sacrifice for the other person. Compromising can help a couple achieve a balance between the needs of both parties, as long as one person doesn’t consistently neglect his needs. It is also helpful to focus on the gains provided by the relationship instead of focusing solely on the cost.
Maintaining an Individual Identity
One way of ensuring that your relationship is on the road to interdependence is to maintain your own identity as an individual as well as a couple. According to Joleen Watson, a couples counselor, people in interdependent relationships recognize the importance of keeping their identity outside of marriage and feel confident expressing their opinions while still being sensitive to the other person. You maintain your identity through work, friendships or involvement in activities that you engage in independently. In order to avoid becoming disconnected from your partner, balance your independence with time spent together on activities you both enjoy.
Investing in Relationships
Interdependent relationships require effort, nurturing and healthy boundaries. Gaining awareness of your own needs and goals is an important step toward reciprocity in relationships. Making a conscious decision to compromise or make a sacrifice for another person can be a positive thing as long as it doesn’t undermine an individual’s sense of self and well-being. According to Jo-Ann Svensson, writer and therapist, co-dependence leads to seeking validation and acceptance from others; interdependence means finding acceptance within oneself and then welcoming additional support from external sources. Achieving interdependence as a couple will take effort and compassion, but will lead to healthy and satisfying long-term relationships in the future.
Love
Codependency vs. Interdependency: The Difference Can Make Or Break Your Relationship
Relationship Coach
By Julie Nguyen
Relationship Coach
Julie Nguyen is a relationship coach, Enneagram educator, and former matchmaker based in New York. She has a degree in Communication and Public Relations from Purdue University.
When we are in an interdependent relationship, there's a mutual give-and-take of emotional support, intimacy, and trust. We want to know we can rely on our partner. But if the expectations evolve into codependency, the romantic bond can turn into unhealthy enmeshment.
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The difference between codependency and interdependency.
The clinical definition for codependency can vary, but it's generally seen as an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on someone else. Researchers have pinpointed four elements that primarily earmark codependency:
- External focusing: when the person draws opinions, expectations, attitudes, and behaviors from situations outside self
- Self-sacrifice: when people overlook personal and intrinsic needs in order to focus externally on the needs of others
- Emotional suppression: referred to as an avoidance of feelings and living in a state of constraint with limited self-awareness of one's own emotional needs
- Interpersonal conflict and control: when people engage in relationships that foster self-sacrificial behaviors and lack of emotional expressivity
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Codependent couples seek to validate their sense of self-worth and value through each other, using their partner as a crutch for any of their own undeveloped parts. This is problematic because devotion to a relationship shouldn't outweigh someone's individual and psychological needs. If this dynamic is continued and perpetuated, these interlinking factors paint a picture of a toxic coupling marked with patterns like people-pleasing, projection, self-criticism, low self-esteem, controlling behaviors, dysfunctional communication, anxiety, and high reactivity.
On the other hand, interdependency1 is characterized by two autonomous individuals who can care and nurture the relationship without sacrificing or compromising their own sense of self. There isn't a huge emphasis on what the other person can do or complete for their partner, because they are already working on it themselves.
Since interdependent couples are in charge of their lives and fulfilling their own significance, they come from an empowered place of wanting their partner, not needing them, which allows them to bring their highest selves to the table. As a result, the partnership feels stabilizing and secure.
How can you move from codependency to interdependency?
If you're in a situation where you're seeing some codependent characteristics in your relationship, don't fret. This is a sign that you need to recalibrate and find balance. You can shift the relationship dynamic to a healthy attachment, but it'll take awareness, reflection, and collaboration. Here are a few ways to start:
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1.
Take time for yourself.
Set aside time to work on the most important relationship of all: the one with yourself. It's likely you have abandoned your feelings in the pursuit of putting the relationship above all else. You may not know what you think, feel, or need at any given time because it's been subsumed by your partner in some capacity.
Build up your confidence by returning attention to your individual well-being, passions, dreams, and hobbies without factoring in what your partner likes. By using this time for yourself, it'll help separate you from the relationship and give it room to breathe.
Over time, these actions will expand your sense of self. As people come and go, you won't sway easily because you'll feel internally rooted by your values. By centering and cultivating acceptance toward yourself, it will serve as a buffer against over-reliance on your partner since there'll be other resources to lean on.
2.
Create and enforce strong boundaries.
Having a poor sense of boundaries [and feeling uncomfortable saying no] is the ideal breeding ground for codependency to thrive. Codependents do not know where one person ends and the other person begins because it's so interwoven. Establishing various types of boundaries—physical, mental, material, emotional, sexual—breaks that up by defining what you're responsible for and what you're not responsible for and will help you find containment and safety within.
If you don't know what your limits are, pay attention to your body. What feels bad? What feels good? What aligns with your values? What doesn't? What do you feel uncomfortable or comfortable doing?
Only say yes to the things that are truly okay for you. Say no to everything else.
It'll feel extremely uncomfortable at first, especially if you're accustomed to neglecting your needs to make your partner feel comfortable, but this consensual practice is essential to creating the foundation for an interdependent relationship.
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3.
Fall in love with your community.
One person cannot love us in all of the ways we need to be loved. For interdependency to take place, you need to dedicate time and energy to all of the different versions of love that exist in your life: community, familial, platonic, artistic, etc. As you're untangling yourself from codependency, a support network is essential to help express the fullest expression of who you are, loudly and unwaveringly without having to hide or minimize anything about yourself.
By showing up authentically and meeting other relationship’s needs appropriately, it becomes a safe space to be vulnerable and find meaning outside of your partner.
4.
Work on healthy, open communication, and see a therapist if necessary.
Interdependency can't exist if your partner is still clinging to any codependent tendencies. It takes two people to break out of the cycle and co-create something new. It may feel scary to acknowledge your role in perpetuating codependency, but the conversation will move you toward growth. Otherwise, things won't change.
Set relationship check-ins where you can be vulnerable and discuss where your codependent behaviors may come from and where it's showing up in the relationship. Talk about where you may be under-functioning in your life and over-functioning in theirs and how that's affected each of you. Be specific about behaviors in the relationship that need to change. If you need help setting boundaries, let them know. Be frank, open-minded, and honest so the relationship can change form.
If this is a persisting pattern that has manifested in other places in your life, it may be worthwhile to go to therapy—individually or as a couple. A therapist can help you figure out the origin behind your codependent habits and help you install and maintain long-term habits that support your journey toward secure attachment.
When we can appreciate our partner for who they are instead of what they can give us, we can reimagine and occupy attuned relationships in an integrated way.
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