What is a healthy relationship between parent and child?

Parenting is a challenging but rewarding job. From your child’s primary school to secondary and even post-secondary school years, you’ll be juggling your role as a parent, teacher, mentor and friend. To play these roles successfully, it is important to build a strong bond with your child by participating in parent-child bonding activities together which can be fun and educational.

Here are some useful tips on positive parenting and how to spend quality time with your child to build a stronger, happier and lasting relationship.

Child bonding activities you can do together:What these can do for your child:1Start from a young age by letting your child decide which storybook to read, what outfit to wear, where to go during the weekends for family fun etc. Start with two options at a time because very young children may get confused with too many choices. As they get older, you can give them more options.Your child learns to be independent and will also be engaged in decision-making with the family.2Let your child learn about managing finances by making purchases together! Provide a fixed budget and a shopping list while your little one accompanies you to the store. Older children can be allowed to plan the list themselves.This way, you can teach your child to manage money independently and have fun shopping for items together.3Play games, like passing a ball, skipping or a sport like badminton. These physical activities are fun and they also help your child learn about teamwork.By working together in a team or competing against each other, you can boost your child’s self-confidence as well as encourage healthy outdoor fun that promotes family bonding activities.4Get your child to join in the fun when you are baking or cooking meals. Let them participate according to their age and ability. A younger child can easily stir a cake mixture, while an older child could help you dice ingredients. It will be a fun-filled activity for both of you.This builds your child’s confidence as they learn to follow instructions, do things in sequence and see the results of their efforts. Your child will feel proud in contributing to something that both of you can share.5Board games, card games and puzzles allow you and your child to spend quality time together as these activities encourage family participation. and goes a long way in strengthening family ties.Board games can be a good way to teach your child about taking turns, strategise, focusing on a game and dealing with success and failure. More challenging games like chess acknowledges your child’s growing maturity and gives you more insight into your child's behaviour when presented with different situations.6Grow a plant with your child. It will be an interesting experience for your child to nurture something independently.This will instil discipline and responsibility in your child when they take care of plants.7Take a walk with your child to the park. Encourage them to observe the environment, people, plants and animals around you. Take this opportunity to teach your child about different species of plants and animals. Older children can be encouraged to explore nooks and crannies in parks by themselves.This turns a simple activity into an entertaining and educational time for both parent and child. It also stimulates your child’s curiosity and willingness to learn. And it is a confidence boost for a child who knows more than you do!

Making and Spending Time with Your Child is the Key

Spending quality time with your child is fundamental to building a strong and happy parent-child relationship, so be sure to allocate time for your child no matter how old they are or how busy you are.

To get started, you should:

1. Set a time and date with your child for some parent-child bonding and stick to it.
2. Give your child your undivided attention when engaging in activities.
3. Take the opportunity to connect with your child as often as possible.

Making time for your child should be a lifelong effort to show your love and appreciation for your family members. Through this process, you will realise that parenthood is indeed a fruitful and enjoyable journey.

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A strong parent-child relationship requires a lot of effort and understanding. The relationship you develop with your children right from their infancy forms the basis of their social and emotional development. But it may not always be easy. With their growing age, changing moods, and different challenges, you may find it difficult to bond with them. In such situations, there are several factors that need to be considered. For example, you need to understand them and help them cope with their problems effectively without being domineering. This post will provide you the principles of the relationship between parents and children, including all the different ways and activities to help you bond with them.

Understanding Parent-child Relationship

A parent-child relationship (PCR) is one that nurtures the physical, emotional, and social development of the child. It’s a unique bond that every child and parent experience, enjoy and nurture.

The relationship lays the foundation for the child’s personality, choices, and overall behavior. Studies suggest that a healthy parent-child relationship leads to positive outcomes for the children and the family (1).

Keep reading to know about the importance of parent-child bonding.

Related: 11 Tips To Understand Emotional Development In Children

Why Is A Positive Parent-child Relationship Important?

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Loving parents create loving children. Your relationship with your children and how attached you are to them indicates how the child is going to be in the future.

Here are a few positive outcomes of a healthy PCR.

• Young children who grow with a secure and healthy attachment to their parents stand a better chance of developing happy and content relationships with others in their life.

• A child who has a secure relationship with parent learns to regulate emotions under stress and in difficult situations.

• Promotes the child’s mental, linguistic and emotional development.

• Helps the child exhibit optimistic and confident social behaviors.

• Healthy parent involvement and intervention in the child’s day-to-day life lay the foundation for better social and academic skills (2).

• A secure attachment leads to a healthy social, emotional, cognitive, and motivational development (). Children also gain strong problem-solving skills when they have a positive relationship with their parents.

The relationship between parents and children not only needs to be strong but also flexible because you can’t behave with a ten-year-old in the same way you behave with a three-year-old.

Quick fact

According to the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, children growing up in a warm, sensitive, and responsive environment have healthy brain development, which makes them more successful at school (4).

Related: 4 Stages Of Cognitive Development In Children & Ways To Support

Parent-child Relationship At Various Stages

Parenting is a full-time job with perks and challenges that grow as the child grows. Here, we take a look at the PCR at various stages:

Infancy — building warmth and security

In the first six months, infants mostly cry, eat, sleep, pee, and poop. And in response, the parents hold, feed, burp, change and wash the baby. This way parents stay near to the baby while tending to them.

When the baby is hungry, he gets cranky. When the parent feeds him, the baby’s needs are met and he is happy. The parent also feels happy for being able to satisfy the baby’s needs.

When parents perform their primary function of nurturing, loving, and caring for the child, it creates a well-defined and unique parent-child relationship.

By their first birthday, infants are likely to develop a secure attachment with the parents or the primary caregiver.

Related: 10 Fun And Unique First Birthday Party Ideas For Boys & Girls

Toddlerhood — stepping into the society

When the child becomes a toddler, the focus is on shaping the child’s behavior by teaching, guiding, and nurturing him. Parents facilitate the socialization process subtly during the first two years and prepare the child to fit into a social group or the society at large.

Preschool — developing a parenting style

Different parenting styles emerge, with one style becoming prominent as the child attains the preschool age (5). However, you cannot use one particular style consistently across all situations; you need to use a combination of strategies to raise children. And the parent-child relationship can be best described by the current parenting style adopted by the parents.

Research shows that children of (6) :

• authoritative parents are confident, happy, and focused.

• authoritarian parents are unhappy, less confident, and fearful (6).

• permissive parents lack social skills, are irresponsible, and have poor emotional regulation.

• neglectful parents have more behavioral and psychological problems than other youngsters (7).

School age — knowing about a world beyond home

When the child starts elementary school, there is a shift in his focus from parents to peers, but this does not change the dynamics of the PCR. With the child’s increasing cognitive and social skills, he goes beyond the home setting.

This is the time when the communication becomes two-way. The child is in a position to tell the parent what he wants, and express his likes and dislikes. Your parenting style will decide if the communication will be two-way or a one-way.

Parenting styles remain the same as the child grows and the style used in the preschool age continues to affect even in the middle-childhood age. Research studies indicate that in the case of (5):

• Authoritative parenting, children grow up to be socially competent and have high self-esteem.

• Authoritarian parenting, children have low self-esteem, low social skills, and are highly aggressive.

• Permissive parenting, children become impulsive, aggressive, and irresponsible.

Adolescence — giving personal space to the kid

Teenage is a turbulent and vulnerable phase, which brings about physical and psychological changes in the child. Parents should acknowledge and understand their teen’s needs, support them, and give them the freedom they need without being overly controlling.

Parenting with love and acceptance by adopting a positive approach even during challenging times can be an effective way to guide teenagers.

Adulthood — talking on equal terms

Adulthood is the time when stability starts setting in. The parent and the grown-up child are now able to relate to each other. Adult children are sometimes torn between their personal and aged parents. It can be quite stressful to balance between the two. However, most adults do maintain a healthy relationship with their parents.

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The requirements and priorities of one family are different from those of another. For instance, the bond you share with your child may not be the same as the one your friend shares with their child. This means that your type of parent-child bond is different from that of your friend.

So, what is your type of bond?

Research says

Adolescents respond positively when their parents have logical justifications for their high expectations from them (8).

Types Of Parent-child Relationships

The types of relationship might depend on your parenting style. A PCR can be broadly categorized into the following (9):

1. Secure relationship:

Children feel safe with their parents/caregivers and believe that they will be taken care of. A secure relationship is formed when the parents are consistently responsive to their children’s needs.

Children who enjoy a secured relationship with their parents are more likely to be independent and self-confident later. They interact well socially and are better able to regulate their emotions.

2. Avoidant relationship:

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Children feel insecure because parents are not responsive to their needs. They are forced to become independent and take care of themselves as children.

An insecure parent-child attachment leads to developmental and adjustment problems, as well as behavioral issues such as biting, pushing and hitting.

Kids who experience this relationship are more likely to have poor social skills (e.g., withdrawal or aggression), and tend to be disobedient and impulsive.

However, this does not imply that they are destined to fail in life. Change can certainly occur as the child grows.

3. Ambivalent relationship:

The needs of the child are sometimes met and sometimes not. Parents respond but not consistently.

For instance, the parent might not respond immediately to a child that is hungry or crying as they are busy with work. But they might respond after some time. These children grow up to be clingy and tend to be over-emotional.

4. Unorganized relationship:

In this relationship, parents neglect the children’s needs and the kids learn not to expect anything from their parents. In such cases, it is likely that one or both the parents suffer from psychological conditions.

These children engage in meaningless activities and behave unusual. Some of them tend to speak fast and make it difficult for the other person to comprehend their speech or behavior.

So, have you related to one of these types? And you might have realized which type is better than the others?

In order to develop a better bond, you need to follow certain basic principles of parenting, which we discuss next.

Quick fact

Parents’ interactions and behavior toward their children depend on their personal history, goals, beliefs, life situations, temperament, and gender (10).

Principles Of Parent-Child Relationship

There is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ when it comes to parenting. However, the following principles lay the foundation for positive parenting:

1. Set some parenting goals: Whether you want to raise a healthy and disciplined child or have a healthy parent-child relationship, identify your goals and understand what you need to do to achieve them.

1. Bring in warmth and structure in your interactions: Treat every interaction as an opportunity to connect with your child. Be a warm and receptive parent, who encourages interaction. Structure your interaction by having rules, boundaries, and consequences in place and ensure that your children understand them.

1. Ground rules are a must: Ground rules tell your children how to and how not to behave. Rules have to be set by discussing with the child, coming to a mid point between the parents’ and the child’s needs. You can firmly implement such rules which are comfortable and meaningful to both. But having too many rules is not a good idea.

1. Acknowledge and empathize with your child: Whether it’s a happy or difficult situation, acknowledge your child’s feelings, understand them, and reassure them that they can depend on you to solve all their problems.

1. Take a problem-solving approach to conflicts: When your child has a problem, try to look for a solution instead of punishing your child. Punishments demoralize your child and they lose trust in you. But when you work with them to find a solution, they also learn.

These principles can guide parents at a macro level. What about everyday interactions? How can you strengthen your bond with your child through everyday routines?

Quick tip

Do not rush to prevent mistakes or solve your children’s problems. Excessive involvement may send them a signal that you don’t trust them (11).

Activities That Help In Parent-Child Bonding

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Forming a connection with your child is the crux of a healthy PCR. And when the connection is in place, your children tend to follow the rules voluntarily. One way to strengthen your bond with your children is to teach positive interactions into your daily routine. Here’s how you can do that:

1. Positively reinforce your children every day: It can be by words “very good” or a physical gesture such as a pat on the back or hug. See what works for the child. The experience of early interpersonal touch is linked with self-esteem, life satisfaction, and social competence in the later years of the child. It also positively affects the child’s physical and psychological development (12).

Hug your children when they wake up in the morning and before they sleep at night, and as many times you can during the day. Rub their shoulders, maintain eye contact, and pat their backs to show them you care.

Older children might not like the physical touch or may feel embarrassed when you hug them in front of their peers. Don’t force it on them. Be subtle and make them understand that hugging to show affection and love is not a bad thing.

1. Play with them: Become a child when you are playing with your kids. This allows them to cooperate with you. Indulge in activities such as building Lego sets or pretend-play with the little ones, or pair up for video games or a game of basketball/cricket.

1. Laugh together: Parenting doesn’t always have to be serious. Sharing a few lighter moments helps in building some great memories.

1. Have one-on-one interaction: Take time out from your daily schedule to interact with them about their needs and how they plan to meet them. Have some parent-child time every day to express your love for them, play with them, and do something together.

1. Live the moment: From the moment your children wake up till you put them to bed, how often do you live your moments? Don’t rush your daily schedule as if it’s a ‘to-do’ thing. Be present, enjoy, and live the moment. There can’t be anything more fulfilling than that.

1. Nurture the bond: Yes, small gestures such as brushing your kid’s hair, help in nurturing the bond. Usually, teens or preteens don’t like it when you try to do so, but if you can do this with younger children. They might not get annoyed and may even be okay with it.

1. Put away your gadgets: When you are interacting with your children, ensure that your mobile phone is switched off or on silent mode, the television is turned off, and other gadgets away from sight. This little gesture shows that you value them more than others and can help strengthen the bond.

1. Talk and cuddle at bedtime: Bedtime should be relaxed and not forced. It should be a safe time when your children are likely to open up about their fears and worries. Listen to them and acknowledge their feelings to reassure that you are there for them to solve their problems.

When you introduce these activities in your daily routine, you will most certainly lay the foundation for a healthy relationship. Once a strong foundation is laid, you can work on strengthening the bond.

Related: 7 Principles Of Good Parenting: Here's What Healthy Parenting Means

How To Strengthen Parent-child Relationship?

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According to the American Psychological Association, a high-quality parent-child relationship is important for healthy development (13). To have a healthy PCR, parents must be responsive, trustworthy, and loving. Here are some tips for strengthening the relationship:

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1. Start from the beginning: Mothers form a bond with the child right from the womb while the father-child bond begins the moment the baby is born. Studies (14) suggest that fathers who were involved with the child in the early days had greater bonding later in life.

1. Invest time and effort: The more time and effort you put into your relationship, the stronger your bond will turn out to be. Parents are naturally programmed to love their offspring, but qualitative time and effort are essential to show that love. Teens need privacy, while younger kids need parental intervention and interaction.

1.  Prioritize your relationship with the child: Your kids are your priority. So show it to them in action: spend as much time as you can with your child instead of just ‘fitting’ them in your schedule.

1. Be available: Be responsive to your child’s physical and emotional needs. It is important to be attentive, loving and seeing things from the child’s perspective.

1. Empathize: Help your children express their emotions. Be empathetic and compassionate and let them vent out their emotions. This may not be easy when you are a first-time parent, but a little practice helps. Seeing things from your child’s perspective will help you understand the reasons for their cranky behavior.

1. Communication: Communication with your child has to be fair, firm, and friendly. Be clear about your expectations, what they can expect from you and any ground rules and consequences for not following them. That said, don’t let the child push your buttons. As a parent, you need to handle it maturely and calmly.

1. Take active interest in their studies, friends, and activities: Parents who are involved in their child’s life have strong parent-child relationships. Learn what’s happening with them, understand their academics, and know their friends. Stay in regular touch with your child’s teachers or volunteer at school if you have leisure time.

1. Listen actively: Listening passively while doing your work and responding with an occasional ‘hmm’ or ‘OK’ in between shows that you are not interested. When your child speaks to you, stop whatever it is that you are doing and listen to them. Give them your full attention, ask questions or reiterate what they said. Remember to maintain eye contact while talking to them.

1. Make family time important: Have meals together and talk about your day over dinner. Make it a regular practice to go to movies, events, or family outings.

1. Trust your child and be trustworthy: Trust is the foundation of every relationship. Your child should be able to rely on you and feel secure. Earn their trust by keeping up your promises, by giving them privacy and keeping their confidence. However, do not trust your child blindly, but have your checks in place.

1. Encourage your child: Children need constant encouragement and motivation to build their confidence and self-esteem. If you only criticize or correct them all the time, they will feel that their actions or opinions are not valued.

1. Respect your child: Treat your children as individuals and acknowledge their opinions and beliefs. While you are responsible to a certain extent in forming beliefs and opinions, other extraneous factors also contribute to it. Respect their views so that they respect you.

The love and care that you offer to your child build a healthy and positive relationship. But, some behavioral problems can lead to a poor PCR.

Related: 20 Helpful Tips To Encourage Curiosity In Children

Five Problems That Can Ruin Parent-child Relationship

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The relation that you form with your children during the early years forms the foundation for their later years. If the early parent-child relationship is strained due to various problems, your child’s personality will be affected. Here are a few common parent-child relationship problems that you should avoid:

1. Physical and mental abuse: Some parents (usually alcoholics and addicts) might physically abuse the child while some might verbally abuse by criticizing them, shouting at them, or putting them down repeatedly, which can damage the child.

Abuse during childhood could turn children into abusive adults who ill-treat their parents and children, creating a vicious cycle.

1. Disrespect: Respect is mutual and has to be earned. As a parent, you need to provide for the child physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. If any of these needs are not taken care of, then children begin to disrespect the parents. Such children tend to disobey the parents, break the rules, and rely more on others for their needs and desires.

Also, you need to give due respect to the child in the way you talk and behave with them.

1. Poor communication: Poor or nonexistent communication between the parent and child can be frustrating. This usually stems from the parents’ belief that their children don’t listen to them, and children thinking that their parents don’t understand them. This perspective freezes the communication between the two, resulting in anger, bitterness, and sorrow.

1. Codependency: Some parent-child relationships are codependent; the child is expected to take care of the parents especially when the parent is disabled or terminally ill. So, the child takes on the responsibility of making the parent happy, resolves family problems, or even takes up the daily chores at home. They might also put their parents’ needs before theirs, and grow up to have a codependent personality.

1. Mistrust: If children repeatedly make mistakes or display unruly behavior, then parents have difficulty trusting them. If parents want to reestablish the trust, then they need to give their children the opportunity to prove that they are trustworthy.

Parenting can be challenging at times. However, looking after your little bundle of joy and watching them grow can be rewarding and satisfying. A healthy parent-child relationship will make life easy and fulfilling for you and your child. So put in the effort and spend plenty of time with your child to create a healthy and strong bond. However, if you are facing severe problems with your child and don’t know how to deal with them, do not hesitate to reach out to a child psychologist for help.

Infographic: Tips To Build A Healthy Parent-Child Relationship

A healthy parent-child relationship greatly influences the kind of person the child grows into. So whether you’re going through a rough patch with your child or already in a happy relationship with each other, this infographic can help you further improve the bond. Read on!

Illustration: MomJunction Design Team

References:

1. Kristin A. Moore et al.; (2011); Parental Relationship Quality And Child Outcomes Across Subgroups.
   https://www.childtrends.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Child_Trends-2011_04_04_RB_MaritalHappiness.pdf
2. Elizabeth Moorman Kim et al.; (2012); Parent Involvement and Family-School Partnerships: Examining the Content Processes and Outcomes of Structural Versus Relationship-Based Approaches1.
   https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED537851.pdf
3. Parent-Child Relationship – Why it’s Important.
   
4. Young children develop in an environment of relationships. Working Paper No. 1.
   https://developingchild.harvard.edu/wp-content/uploads/2004/04/Young-Children-Develop-in-an-Environment-of-Relationships.pdf
5. Parent-Child Relationships.
   https://psychology.jrank.org/pages/472/Parent-Child-Relationships.html
6. Diana Baumrind’s (1966) Prototypical Descriptions of 3 Parenting Styles.
   http://www.devpsy.org/teaching/parent/baumrind_styles.html
7. Behavioral Health Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect.
   https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/can/impact/consequences-can/health/
8. What the Science Tells Us About Parenting an Adolescent.
   https://developingadolescent.semel.ucla.edu/topics/item/science-about-parenting-adolescent
9. Different Types of Parent-Child Relationships.
   https://buffalo.extension.wisc.edu/files/2011/11/Different_Types_of_Parent-child_attachment.pdf
10. 2 Parenting Knowledge Attitudes and Practices; Parenting Matters: Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8.
    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK402020/
11. 10 Emotionally Intelligent Ways to Build Trust as a Parent.
    https://www.6seconds.org/2017/08/22/ten-emotionally-intelligent-ways-build-trust-parent/
12. Ana Aznar and Harriet R. Tenenbaum; (2016); Parent–Child Positive Touch: Gender Age and Task Differences.
    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5075020/
13. Parenting.
    https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting
14. Von Jessee and Kari Adamsons; (2018); Father Involvement and Father-Child Relationship Quality: An Intergenerational Perspective.
    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6415916/

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Kalpana M

Kalpana Nadimpalli graduated in English Literature and Psychology. Her fascination for the corporate world made her do a Masters in Business Administration from Andhra University. Being a mother of two boys, she could naturally fit into the shoes of a writer at MomJunction. She wrote articles on new parenting and relationships. Previously, Kalpana worked as a product information specialist and...
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Shreshtha Dhar

(M.A, M.Phil )

Shreshtha Dhar is a licensed Clinical Psychologist running her private practice Thought Craft in Kolkata. She has special interest in the emotional and behavioral issues of both children and adults. Shreshtha has previosuly worked as a lecturer, published various research papers and contributed to magazines. She provides long distance teleconsultation in English, Hindi and Bengali.

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